Reflections on Weakness

Hello again. :)

I have been having problems this school year. I suppose these problems came to a beautiful bang, when I spent a good portion of my Tuesday in the ER. My reasons for being in the ER weren't life threatening. They aren't even really interesting, just too many non critical health problems crashing in on one morning. So at the ER they fixed my dehydration and blocked out most of my pain via our neighborhood friendly IV. I actually didn't mind the ER trip itself, I was in a lot of pain, and I am continuing to deal with pain. Doesn't mean I am unhappy, I think. I am stretched pretty thin though.

As I was listening to my context lecture tonight, (by Burglar actually, it was hard, pretty much a toss up between two cool lectures, but as Mr. Burglar suggested in the context lecture, brevity usually wins out late at night. ;) I enjoyed the lecture very much, it was on Foundations and how to read its texts well. I finished with the lecture and I was very happy, I felt peppy and wanted to write a million different hard papers I didn't know how to write.

I think at this point I realized that it's sad I mostly haven't allowed myself to feel that way this semester. I am not doing 800 different classes, just three, (I had to drop Latin due to no time) and intensive piano study. And babysitting quite a few hours to help fuel my wish to do piano at a high level. And I should be cleaning my room and doing weeding. Yet, instead of reading what, 100 pages of Burke and Political Sermons Tuesday, I spent the day being very ill.

Why on earth am I doing that?? So to jump points I decided after the lecture that Mummy was of course right (she always is :) ) I need to drop a few classes, (Not dropping TA, though) and work on them at home at a slower pace. I don't want to drop classes, I love what I do, and I am blessed to not have any major restrictions that keep from succeeding at what I do with work. Also, I am a perfectionist in some elements.

BUT. I am sick. I have been for quite awhile. I'm not dying, I can still do a lot, but I am not strong either. It's frustrating, in the end, because I have high standards, and I have been crashing through everything this year. Stay up till 6:30 A.M to finish Montesquieu? Okay! Whatever it takes. Biology in study hall? Crunch, crunch, crunch. And then tonight I realized...

I am rushing everything. I don't write those millions of papers I want to write because I am always behind, and everything hurts! I don't even do the term papers I want to be beautiful up to my silly standards because I am busy or something. Silly, me. Conclusion, I need to do a lot less. What is the worse that happens? I start college a year late? Oh no, anything but that. :)

I love what I do, I want to ask big questions and realize they are small and silly, but in the process enjoy where I am, and let that silliness lead up to better questions. I don't love God well, I know I at least have a superficial love for.... prettiness..being happy. and little, and learning! Hurray! I really really really want to do Algebra! I think it's okay my love for these things is hallow and impure, unrefined. It wouldn't be fine to stay that way, but I am a little girl. Good, I need to learn to be a little girl as well as I can.

And once my health isn't spinning into a circle of never ending doom and Aleve ;) I think I will be able to love people better. And my work better, and this will help me love God better mayhap.
After all, it would be ever so much more jolly for me to not write the papers I want to write and learn to help someone without "attached" motives. Loving detachedly is a happy thing I wish I could do. Of course, even in my happiness, I am aware that my sins prevent this. I am lazy, I am a hundred other problems. There is however, eternity to polish and make beautiful, because in the end we can choose to be warm and happy by reflecting God's "boofulness". (beautiful sounds better as a three year old :D) I think I like that a lot.